Isn’t it ironic? Weddings are what I do for a living. Weekend after weekend I witness the coming together of two people and their families, yet here I am experiencing the split of my own marriage.
I started this book for therapeutic reasons. Journaling helped me understand my thoughts and emotions about the end of my first marriage, and allowed me to come to terms with the realization that the man I was married to no longer wanted me.
As I wrote it, I realized I was really writing this book for my sons. I want them to know and understand that life is full of the unexpected. I want them to know that it doesn’t matter what happens (because something unexpected will definitely happen), it’s how you handle it. I want them to know that even though I’m sad and disappointed and hurting, love never goes away.
Lastly, I realized I was writing this book to make sense of the nothing I was. I don’t mean that I had terrible self-esteem. I felt like nothing because I had nothing to come back to. I didn’t have me. I lost the core essence of me and it was terrifying and lonely. I didn’t have my philosophy, my beliefs, or my own wisdom to draw from. It was gone, temporarily, of course, but gone. It was shattered like a bulldozer smashing a house’s foundation.
That time, that year, that space, I had no beliefs and I couldn’t find the intuition. I couldn’t come back to me because there was no me. The very hardest was that I was missing me. I couldn’t function. It was excruciating. It was so unfamiliar and scary. As I wrote, I realized I was writing this book about how I was going to bring the demolished foundation of my life back together again..
I began slowly assembling the smaller chunks of my life. The craziest epiphany was that although I was physically alone for the first time in my life, I never felt lonely. This is huge coming from a person who was not even conceived alone. I shared a womb and all the stages of growing up with my triplet sisters. I partnered with a man I thought I would be with forever at age twenty! What did I know about being alone? Realizing that I did not feel lonely was the greatest self-esteem boost.
Throughout the process of writing this book, I relied heavily on positive self-talk. I never wavered in the belief that I must love even when the other doesn’t love me back. On our wedding day, we promised that we would love through good times and bad. Not that we will love only under the one condition that they will love us back.
By the end, I realized that my message is to get to know you. Be your best friend. Study yourself as though you’re in college again taking “You101.” It will save you like it saved me. Love Never Goes Away. It shifts, it moves, but it never goes away. This is what I know!